The Abyss

After my diagnosis I felt worse than before,

It was as though the floodgates had been opened.  What was a dark place was in fact an abyss and I could feel the pressure squeezing me in more and more; I was overwhelmed.  I couldn't stop myself thinking about the situation I was in, there was no thought about how I got there and looking back I didn't even think about how I was going to get out.

That's not entirely true.

I have contemplated suicide many times but I was now trying to work out, research, what would be the most effective way of ending my pain.  I knew it would hurt my family but I was going to die sooner or later wasn't I; this would probably be the best for everybody.  Playing out all all the scenarios in my mind though my thoughts kept coming back to my mother Sybil.  My little brother Rob died from complications due to a very aggressive brain tumour in 2004, he was only 34, it was devastating for us all especially Mum.  I couldn't do this to Mum, even as I felt now I couldn't do this to her.  Although it was incredibly difficult I told Mum this when she visited last week, I know it must have hurt her to know how I was really feeling but I think it was the best thing to do.

This was the only thread I had, it didn't lead out, I wasn't even aware there was another way out but I couldn't take that one path available to me.  Better for me to continue to suffer than to do this to Mum; it is that slender thread that has kept me here.

I'm crying again now as I type this but, probably due to the medication, I'm able to compose myself after short breaks.

I had a good talk, and cry, with Mum yesterday; we even went for a walk in between the hail, rain and snow.  My friend Mel dropped a book off for me and I would have gone to the door if I had know it was her but I didn't.

Helen is working from home today and although she will be working in the office It's going to be good to have somebody else in the house.  I woke up early this morning so I eventually got up and made fresh crumpets for Helen's breakfast.  Although I managed to eat dinner last night I couldn't face eating this morning as the nausea is back.

I'm still trying to occupy myself with anything other than thinking.