Starting

On the 12 February 2016 I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication to help me cope.

After reading a very short and sad blog of a friend who lost her battle with mental illness in 2014 decide to let my friends on Facebook know that I was mentally ill.  Today I started this blog to track how I was feeling and reflect how I got into this situation in the hope that it will help in my recovery.

It would take too long to go into my past in one post so although it may be incoherent I will break it up into smaller bites.  For now though I just want to look back a short while.

On reflection, I have been "feeling down" for 12-18 months.  I can't say when it started and I have had low periods for many years and thought nothing of it.  The worst thing is that I didn't know I was depressed until I was told to make an appointment with the doctor.  I did look at the NHS depression self-assessment tool a couple of months ago but I felt that I must have been exaggerating my responses and ignored the outcome; or maybe I just didn't want to come to terms with the fact I was ill.

Looking back the signs were obvious, I wasn't paying much attention to my appearance, I wasn't shaving or showering very often, I frequently wore scruffy and dirty clothes and wasn't making much contact with the wider world.  Combined with Helen being away so much this put an enormous strain on our relationship.

I may not have got around to making an appointment with the doctor if I hadn't had an appointment with the practice nurse to take my blood pressure which had been elevated and needed checking again.  After taking my blood pressure the nurse asked me to make an appointment to discuss the high reading with the doctor and I mentioned that I needed to make an appointment anyway.  The nurse started talking to me about how I felt and it was at this point I started to break down, he asked me about dark thoughts at which point I could barely breathe let alone talk.  He didn't waste any time and arranged an appointment the next morning.

I can't find a word to describe how it felt seeing the doctor and coming to terms with the fact I was ill and needed medication.  Fear, failure, darkness, terror, anxiety, nausea; all this and more; there was no light or hope in that meeting.  Intellectually I knew that this was the best thing to do but the rational part of me was hiding, very quietly, in a small dark cave.

Toady the weather has been dark and stormy, with lashing winds, hail, sleet and driving rain which reflects my mood.  I didn't sleep much last night and I had a good cry after Helen left for work this morning.

Mum is coming to see me today which is something to look forward to.