I went to the running club with Helen last night, we didn't talk very much in the car and it's difficult to know what to talk about. I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible but it's not always possible. It was good to socialise and meet up with people after a long absence. I was looking forward to some dinner but my stomach felt knotted up but I managed some dried fruits and nuts instead.
I also had time to have another long chat with my daughter as everybody was out running. It's great talking to her and hear how she's getting on. She's also a great listener and although it's obviously upsetting for her I think it's very helpful for both of us. My family has never been great about talking through issues and that is something I need to address if I'm to get better. Kitty recited a Philip Larkin poem which really resonates with me although I wouldn't give up my kids for anything.
This Be The Verse - Philip Larkin
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
Helen is working in London today so I dropped her off at the train station, she flashed me a smile as she left and then I felt so alone.
I dropped the car off at the garage and walked home via the pharmacy to sort out my repeat prescription for my anti-depressants. I had a long chat with the Emlpoyee Wellbeing Service who were very helpful although talking through things with them did bring tears to my eyes again.
I manage to eat one of yesterday's crumpets with some Marmite but I wish I hadn't as my stomach is cramping now.
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