SSDD

Monday was a really bad day, really bad.

I was meant to donate platelets, but I couldn't face leaving the house for the four or more hours it would take to get to Bristol and donate.

I called Mum and she dropped everything to keep me company; we had a long talk and a really good cry.  I feel so bad that I'm putting Mum though this, she doesn't deserve it.  It is comforting to have her nearby and to speak to though and just by being there she reduces my anxiety.

A lot of my problems do come from my childhood and speaking to Mum I've found out so much more about what she went through with my father and allowed me to talk about what I went through.

My father was a mean bastard who was physically and mentally abusive.  If I did something wrong as a child I would be sent to my room and would have to wait until he had finished drinking his coffee or watching a TV programme.  When he was good and ready he would come into the room and beat me with his belt. If I cried out or flinched then he would tell me to shut up and would start the beating again. I don't recall my brother or sister getting beaten, although it probably did happen, it was not something we ever talked about and I assumed that it was normal.

Drink played a big factor in my father's abusiveness and I we would often hear him shouting at Mum in the late evening and even though I don't remember hearing him hit her I'm sure he did; I'll ask Mum about it next time I see her.  Again, we never spoke about this to each other or anybody else.

Not talking has been something I have carried into my adult life, I bottle things up rather than talk about them and I'm scared of getting angry because I don't wan't to be the person my father was.  Not talking about problems means that they fester and get bigger as I get angrier and they feed on themselves.  Even stupid little things grow out of all proportion and not being able to talk about them at the beginning makes it even more difficult to talk about as time goes on.  I'm sure this is another of the cornerstones of my depression; it has certainly affected my relationships.

I got more sleep last night and I may even be up to having something to eat later on.