Routine

It was so good to have Mum over for a few days but she went back home in the afternoon.  It was a lonely on my own but I held it together.  I had a quick chat with my Daughter and then cooked myself a simple dinner before heading off to bed.  I fell asleep quite quickly last night and woke up at five this morning so I'm not quite so tired this morning.

Helen came back late and then had dinner in her room which is not surprising.

I'm trying to get as much routine into my day as I can, showering, shaving, taking my vitamins, taking my medication, lighting the fire and then making coffee.  I'm not ready to do anything too involved so I watch some TV, write the blog, fetch logs for the fire and do a bit of research on the family tree.  I try and have some dinner and then go to bed around ten.

It's not much but the routine, with the medication and support from my friends and family is helping.

I know that there will be good days and there will be bad days but I'm trying to do this one day at a time for now.

Insomnia

Had another good day with Mum watching TV, doing crosswords and hanging out with the goats and chatting.  Mum did pester me about eating breakfast and lunch but I really didn't feel like eating.   I'm hoping that the medication is working now, I'm on my own tomorrow so I'll see.

Mum took me out for dinner so we drove over to Bradford on Avon to have a pie at The Bear Inn.  Thankfully we went for the standard pies as they were more than enough for us especially with the mash and veggies. I was absolutely stuffed.  Although I was actually hungry before dinner my appetite is much lower than it used to be.

Again I didn't see much of Helen as we went to Bradford before she got home and she headed out to guides shortly after we got back.  I assume she stayed in her room after she got back.

Woke up at half three once again; this is getting beyond annoying.

Going on

I had a lovely day with Mum. We had a good chat, watched some TV and did some research into the family tree.  We also had a little cry together about my brother Rob.

I'm not talking to Helen at all and she was out for most of yesterday which suits me.  We're going to have to get rid of our goats because Helen doesn't want to be with me anymore so we're going to have to sell our house and won't be bale to buy somewhere with land to keep them.  The goats are gorgeous and it was so nice to have our own milk and make our own cheese.  I have spent so much time looking after them, building shelters, milking shed and milking stand as well as just sitting with them.  I thought we were living an idyllic life but obviously I was wrong.  Helen says she doesn't know what she wants other than the fact she doesn't want me.

Whether it is Mum's company, the increased medication, the anger I'm feeling or a combination of all three I'm not sure but I'm not feeling quite as bad as I did last week.

I made some dinner for both of us and I know Mum is worrying that I'm not eating enough.

Another bad night sleep for me though, waking at half three again so I'm feeling quite tired.

Betrayal

I missed posting yesterday because I had a crisis.

I have been going through a rough patch with my wife of ten years; she wanted to end our marriage and I was fighting to save it.  I had suspicions that there was somebody else involved but she has denied this to me and her friends.  Trying one more time to get her to be open with me and hoping that this was a stupid mistake in the heat of things she again denied anything was going on.  I even told her who I suspected of her having an affair with, and again she denied it.  Only when I confronted her with an email that she had sent to him did she admit the reason she didn't love me was because she loved him.  You can only imagine how I felt.

This person who I love and have been with for fifteen years decided our relationship wasn't worth fighting for and that she would rather be with somebody else than me.  She has lied to me, lied to her friends and quite possible her family.  I don't trust her or believe anything she says anymore; how long has be lying to me and how many things has she lied to me about?  She wants to be friends with me; how on earth would that be possible?  Do you betray friends?  Do you lie to friends?  How to you treat anybody like this?

I trusted her implicitly even though I was jealous of her spending time with other people, but stopping somebody you love from from expressing themselves is not the way to a good relationship, at least that was what I thought.  If I can't trust her then how can I trust anybody else?  Everything I thought I knew is wrong.

I know Helen has been through a rough time but we were both at a low ebb last year.  I was hoping that this was a one off weakness and that we could work together and I could bring myself to forgive her.  It hurts that she cares so little about me and our relationship and now I hate and love her at the same time.

My friends and family have been been very supportive and I don't think I could have coped without them.  My friends in the village looked after me yesterday, my Mum is coming to stay with me for a few days and my Daughter was ready to jump on the very next train from North Wales to be with me.

I contacted the creep's ex-girlfriend to see whether she knew what had been happening, it turned out she didn't know but she as we spoke all the pieces of the jigsaw dropped into place.  It seems that she went through a mirror of the experience I had in that she tried to save their relationship six months ago, he didn't want to try and it finally came to and end early this year.

Sleep tight

Yesterday was a very busy day.  As well as all the things I mentioned in my previous post, I had to pick up the car from the garage, get some goat food from Mole Valley Farmers and then as I was about to have my long awaited coffee somebody knocked at the door to let me know the goats had got out.  Once I got the herd's attention they followed me back into the paddock; the promise of food, and of course their love and admiration for me, works wonders.

I finally got to have my coffee just after three and watched a box set until it was time to pick up Helen from the station.

I managed to eat a reasonable amount of Chinese takeaway for dinner without too much discomfort and then I continued watching TV as Helen did some admin work on her laptop in-between going upstairs to use her roller to work out some pains in her legs.

After dinner I kept nodding off in front of the TV and eventually went to bed around ten and read for a short while before falling asleep.  Helen briefly woke me up when she came in from her late evening walk and I do remember waking once but I must have back fallen asleep as I didn't wake up again until half six.  I don't think it's that the increased medication has taken effect so quickly more likely it's the lack of sleep has finally caught up with me.

Simon Whittle posted a picture of the goat brie I gave him with some lovely words, it's so nice to be appreciated.  It's a shame that I've had to dry the goats off and stop making cheese but I had no choice and should have done it earlier.  Milking twice a day was a huge strain not only on me but my relationship with Helen,

I'm looking forward to spending time with Helen today, we've got a few chores to do in and around the house and the rugby this afternoon.  I don't care too much whether England or Wales win, possibly because I don't think I could stand the strain, but I do want to see a good match.

Medication

I had some soup in the pub last night while the club were out running; again I wasn't hungry but I wasn't too nauseous either.  I managed to give out some more of the home made goat brie and had a good chat with quite a few people.  The pub was very loud which I don't like as I find it overwhelming when I'm trying to talk. The club was in two different parts of the pub and when most of the people on the table left to go I was sat on my own which made me feel sad.  I didn't feel I could go to the other table as there was probably no room and they were in the noisiest part of the pub.  I couldn't bear the thought of walking up to the table and then either standing next to it or having to walk away again.  Thankfully Tash noticed I was alone and sat down, along with the person she was with, and chatted to me.

This morning I dropped Helen off at the station, the car at the garage, walked into town to pick up my prescription and then to the library to renew my card and pick up a book. No time for a shower or even a cry this morning.

I walked back in to town for my appointment with the doctor and she signed me off for another couple of weeks and doubled my medication.  I was fine through most of the appointment but again I broke down toward the end.  I hope the increased dosage helps me.

Flatlining

Still trying to keep a routine going and; I was disappointed that Kris wasn't able to call though.  My daughter called me and we chatted about her job and I also managed a quick chat with Laura.

I managed to eat something again last night, again I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat as I wasn't too nauseous.

I did walk around to see Adam last night and we watched a bit of TV with Joe and then had a good chat until Laura came home.

Everything feels flat and it seems that I have a cry over nothing for a bit after I get up.

Today I've got the running club to look forward to, so I get to spend some time with Helen and some nice people and hopefully feel like having something to eat.