Routine

It was so good to have Mum over for a few days but she went back home in the afternoon.  It was a lonely on my own but I held it together.  I had a quick chat with my Daughter and then cooked myself a simple dinner before heading off to bed.  I fell asleep quite quickly last night and woke up at five this morning so I'm not quite so tired this morning.

Helen came back late and then had dinner in her room which is not surprising.

I'm trying to get as much routine into my day as I can, showering, shaving, taking my vitamins, taking my medication, lighting the fire and then making coffee.  I'm not ready to do anything too involved so I watch some TV, write the blog, fetch logs for the fire and do a bit of research on the family tree.  I try and have some dinner and then go to bed around ten.

It's not much but the routine, with the medication and support from my friends and family is helping.

I know that there will be good days and there will be bad days but I'm trying to do this one day at a time for now.

Insomnia

Had another good day with Mum watching TV, doing crosswords and hanging out with the goats and chatting.  Mum did pester me about eating breakfast and lunch but I really didn't feel like eating.   I'm hoping that the medication is working now, I'm on my own tomorrow so I'll see.

Mum took me out for dinner so we drove over to Bradford on Avon to have a pie at The Bear Inn.  Thankfully we went for the standard pies as they were more than enough for us especially with the mash and veggies. I was absolutely stuffed.  Although I was actually hungry before dinner my appetite is much lower than it used to be.

Again I didn't see much of Helen as we went to Bradford before she got home and she headed out to guides shortly after we got back.  I assume she stayed in her room after she got back.

Woke up at half three once again; this is getting beyond annoying.

Going on

I had a lovely day with Mum. We had a good chat, watched some TV and did some research into the family tree.  We also had a little cry together about my brother Rob.

I'm not talking to Helen at all and she was out for most of yesterday which suits me.  We're going to have to get rid of our goats because Helen doesn't want to be with me anymore so we're going to have to sell our house and won't be bale to buy somewhere with land to keep them.  The goats are gorgeous and it was so nice to have our own milk and make our own cheese.  I have spent so much time looking after them, building shelters, milking shed and milking stand as well as just sitting with them.  I thought we were living an idyllic life but obviously I was wrong.  Helen says she doesn't know what she wants other than the fact she doesn't want me.

Whether it is Mum's company, the increased medication, the anger I'm feeling or a combination of all three I'm not sure but I'm not feeling quite as bad as I did last week.

I made some dinner for both of us and I know Mum is worrying that I'm not eating enough.

Another bad night sleep for me though, waking at half three again so I'm feeling quite tired.

Betrayal

I missed posting yesterday because I had a crisis.

I have been going through a rough patch with my wife of ten years; she wanted to end our marriage and I was fighting to save it.  I had suspicions that there was somebody else involved but she has denied this to me and her friends.  Trying one more time to get her to be open with me and hoping that this was a stupid mistake in the heat of things she again denied anything was going on.  I even told her who I suspected of her having an affair with, and again she denied it.  Only when I confronted her with an email that she had sent to him did she admit the reason she didn't love me was because she loved him.  You can only imagine how I felt.

This person who I love and have been with for fifteen years decided our relationship wasn't worth fighting for and that she would rather be with somebody else than me.  She has lied to me, lied to her friends and quite possible her family.  I don't trust her or believe anything she says anymore; how long has be lying to me and how many things has she lied to me about?  She wants to be friends with me; how on earth would that be possible?  Do you betray friends?  Do you lie to friends?  How to you treat anybody like this?

I trusted her implicitly even though I was jealous of her spending time with other people, but stopping somebody you love from from expressing themselves is not the way to a good relationship, at least that was what I thought.  If I can't trust her then how can I trust anybody else?  Everything I thought I knew is wrong.

I know Helen has been through a rough time but we were both at a low ebb last year.  I was hoping that this was a one off weakness and that we could work together and I could bring myself to forgive her.  It hurts that she cares so little about me and our relationship and now I hate and love her at the same time.

My friends and family have been been very supportive and I don't think I could have coped without them.  My friends in the village looked after me yesterday, my Mum is coming to stay with me for a few days and my Daughter was ready to jump on the very next train from North Wales to be with me.

I contacted the creep's ex-girlfriend to see whether she knew what had been happening, it turned out she didn't know but she as we spoke all the pieces of the jigsaw dropped into place.  It seems that she went through a mirror of the experience I had in that she tried to save their relationship six months ago, he didn't want to try and it finally came to and end early this year.

Sleep tight

Yesterday was a very busy day.  As well as all the things I mentioned in my previous post, I had to pick up the car from the garage, get some goat food from Mole Valley Farmers and then as I was about to have my long awaited coffee somebody knocked at the door to let me know the goats had got out.  Once I got the herd's attention they followed me back into the paddock; the promise of food, and of course their love and admiration for me, works wonders.

I finally got to have my coffee just after three and watched a box set until it was time to pick up Helen from the station.

I managed to eat a reasonable amount of Chinese takeaway for dinner without too much discomfort and then I continued watching TV as Helen did some admin work on her laptop in-between going upstairs to use her roller to work out some pains in her legs.

After dinner I kept nodding off in front of the TV and eventually went to bed around ten and read for a short while before falling asleep.  Helen briefly woke me up when she came in from her late evening walk and I do remember waking once but I must have back fallen asleep as I didn't wake up again until half six.  I don't think it's that the increased medication has taken effect so quickly more likely it's the lack of sleep has finally caught up with me.

Simon Whittle posted a picture of the goat brie I gave him with some lovely words, it's so nice to be appreciated.  It's a shame that I've had to dry the goats off and stop making cheese but I had no choice and should have done it earlier.  Milking twice a day was a huge strain not only on me but my relationship with Helen,

I'm looking forward to spending time with Helen today, we've got a few chores to do in and around the house and the rugby this afternoon.  I don't care too much whether England or Wales win, possibly because I don't think I could stand the strain, but I do want to see a good match.

Medication

I had some soup in the pub last night while the club were out running; again I wasn't hungry but I wasn't too nauseous either.  I managed to give out some more of the home made goat brie and had a good chat with quite a few people.  The pub was very loud which I don't like as I find it overwhelming when I'm trying to talk. The club was in two different parts of the pub and when most of the people on the table left to go I was sat on my own which made me feel sad.  I didn't feel I could go to the other table as there was probably no room and they were in the noisiest part of the pub.  I couldn't bear the thought of walking up to the table and then either standing next to it or having to walk away again.  Thankfully Tash noticed I was alone and sat down, along with the person she was with, and chatted to me.

This morning I dropped Helen off at the station, the car at the garage, walked into town to pick up my prescription and then to the library to renew my card and pick up a book. No time for a shower or even a cry this morning.

I walked back in to town for my appointment with the doctor and she signed me off for another couple of weeks and doubled my medication.  I was fine through most of the appointment but again I broke down toward the end.  I hope the increased dosage helps me.

Flatlining

Still trying to keep a routine going and; I was disappointed that Kris wasn't able to call though.  My daughter called me and we chatted about her job and I also managed a quick chat with Laura.

I managed to eat something again last night, again I wasn't hungry but I made myself eat as I wasn't too nauseous.

I did walk around to see Adam last night and we watched a bit of TV with Joe and then had a good chat until Laura came home.

Everything feels flat and it seems that I have a cry over nothing for a bit after I get up.

Today I've got the running club to look forward to, so I get to spend some time with Helen and some nice people and hopefully feel like having something to eat.

Non-day

Yesterday was a non-day.

I made the fire, collected logs, fed the goats, fed and then cleaned out the rabbits.

I updated my the blog, watched a lot of TV and chatted to a few friends.

I did manage to eat a fried egg with some bread in the afternoon, a few grapes and then peas and Quorn "Beef Steak" or Fake as I call it for dinner.  I wasn't hungry and thankfully I didn't feel too nauseous, I just needed to eat as I hadn't had anything since Sunday afternoon.

I worked up the energy to have a shower and shave this morning; all too easily I had fallen back into my slump of not bothering.

I'm looking forward to having a chat with Kris today and hopefully Adam tonight.  I'm trying to focus on small close things like this because everything else is just nebulous if there at all.  If I start thinking about anything more than a day ahead I keep running through all sorts of scenarios, good and bad, which just increases my anxiety.  I don't trust my judgement any more.

SSDD

Monday was a really bad day, really bad.

I was meant to donate platelets, but I couldn't face leaving the house for the four or more hours it would take to get to Bristol and donate.

I called Mum and she dropped everything to keep me company; we had a long talk and a really good cry.  I feel so bad that I'm putting Mum though this, she doesn't deserve it.  It is comforting to have her nearby and to speak to though and just by being there she reduces my anxiety.

A lot of my problems do come from my childhood and speaking to Mum I've found out so much more about what she went through with my father and allowed me to talk about what I went through.

My father was a mean bastard who was physically and mentally abusive.  If I did something wrong as a child I would be sent to my room and would have to wait until he had finished drinking his coffee or watching a TV programme.  When he was good and ready he would come into the room and beat me with his belt. If I cried out or flinched then he would tell me to shut up and would start the beating again. I don't recall my brother or sister getting beaten, although it probably did happen, it was not something we ever talked about and I assumed that it was normal.

Drink played a big factor in my father's abusiveness and I we would often hear him shouting at Mum in the late evening and even though I don't remember hearing him hit her I'm sure he did; I'll ask Mum about it next time I see her.  Again, we never spoke about this to each other or anybody else.

Not talking has been something I have carried into my adult life, I bottle things up rather than talk about them and I'm scared of getting angry because I don't wan't to be the person my father was.  Not talking about problems means that they fester and get bigger as I get angrier and they feed on themselves.  Even stupid little things grow out of all proportion and not being able to talk about them at the beginning makes it even more difficult to talk about as time goes on.  I'm sure this is another of the cornerstones of my depression; it has certainly affected my relationships.

I got more sleep last night and I may even be up to having something to eat later on.

Despair

How quick from glimmer of hope to the despair of the void.

"Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our mother's face; from the prison of her flesh we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth.

Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father's heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone?"

This pain is too much, I can't stand it I need an easy way out.

Perception

It's amazing how my mood affects my perception.  I was still up from yesterday and things seemed slightly more positive than they did negative.  Everything seemed a little brighter and I was quite looking forward to my walk whilst Helen did a recce for the Butcombe Ultra.  The walk itself was pretty good too even though there was quite a climb to the highest point and I managed to keep a fair pace going.

Whilst I waited at the pub for Helen to arrive I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig which Mel had given to me. The large print and unbusy layout made it easy to follow and I found a lot of parallels between the author's experience of depression and my own.  I'm definitely going to pass this book on as it gives a good perspective whether you suffer from depression or care for somebody that does.

I tried ringing Mum several times today from my mobile and left messages for her.  I got quite anxious as I wasn't getting a response, I thought that she may have gone out with my sister but there was a nagging thought that something bad had happened to her.  I called again when I got home and there was still no answer so the panic rat started running around in my stomach.  I hadn't noticed that Mum had left messages on the home phone whilst I was out but thankfully she did call me back.

Anxiety is definitely one of the cornerstones of my depression.

Now we're back home Helen is having a post run snooze and I'm watching the World Track Champs in front of a log fire.

Friends

I picked Helen up from the station at eight thirty last night and we grabbed some takeaway food on the way home.  I had some chips and cooked a Quorn Steak and tomatoes to have with them. Even though Helen helped me with the chips I had quite a lot and managed to eat a lot of them. I regretted it afterwards as I felt bloated until much later the next morning.

One thing that has helped me a lot is the support of friends, some of whom I have not seen in an age, many of whom have also been through similar problems.  It has buoyed me up and made me realise I am not totally alone, it means a lot to me and I have spoken to a lot of them since the announcement of my illness on Facebook.  Yesterday I was unable to speak to Kris, A old work colleague and long time friend of mine, but we had an extended Facebook chat and I'm going to make an effort to call her soon.

Today Helen and I went to Wales to meet Rachel, Trevor and their gorgeous daughter Gracie. They are a lovely individuals, a great couple and generous enough to invite us to share some of Rachel's birthday weekend.

I was very anxious on the long drive up to mid-Wales but as soon as we arrived at the holiday cottage and were warmly greeted by the three of them and the three dogs I relaxed.  Normally I get very anxious when I do not know what the plan of events is and can't enjoy what is currently happening. We chatted, had a cup of coffee, then Helen and Rachel walked into town with one of the dogs while Trev and I drove so that we could take Gracie for a walk.  We didn't see the ducks or Lucky the dog so we went to a cafe for a cup of coffee and a chat whilst Gracie played with the toys there.  In between playing with Gracie, Trev and I had a very relaxed chat about a whole range of topics, normally I find small talk difficult and contrived but talking about small and big stuff with Trev, helped by Gracie, was effortless.

Another thing I get anxious about is food or more specifically mealtimes; my daughter Kitty introduced me to the term "hangry" which sums me up to a tee.  This lunchtime however wasn't an issue for me even though we had no fixed time to sit down.  I had soup which was delicious and easy on my stomach and I didn't feel excluded even though everybody else also had pudding.

After heading back to the cottage and a cup of tea we split forces once more as Rachel and Helen headed out to do some shopping and get Gracie off to sleep whilst Trev and I took the dogs for a walk.

All too soon however it was time for Helen and I to head home.  I think both Helen and I were more talkative on the journey home and my anxiety levels were much lower.

Normal Life?

I went to the running club with Helen last night, we didn't talk very much in the car and it's difficult to know what to talk about.  I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible but it's not always possible.  It was good to socialise and meet up with people after a long absence.  I was looking forward to some dinner but my stomach felt knotted up but I managed some dried fruits and nuts instead.

I also had time to have another long chat with my daughter as everybody was out running.  It's great talking to her and hear how she's getting on.  She's also a great listener and although it's obviously upsetting for her I think it's very helpful for both of us.  My family has never been great about talking through issues and that is something I need to address if I'm to get better. Kitty recited a Philip Larkin poem which really resonates with me although I wouldn't give up my kids for anything.

This Be The Verse - Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Helen is working in London today so I dropped her off at the train station, she flashed me a smile as she left and then I felt so alone.

I dropped the car off at the garage and walked home via the pharmacy to sort out my repeat prescription for my anti-depressants.  I had a long chat with the Emlpoyee Wellbeing Service who were very helpful although talking through things with them did bring tears to my eyes again.

I manage to eat one of yesterday's crumpets with some Marmite but I wish I hadn't as my stomach is cramping now.

The Abyss

After my diagnosis I felt worse than before,

It was as though the floodgates had been opened.  What was a dark place was in fact an abyss and I could feel the pressure squeezing me in more and more; I was overwhelmed.  I couldn't stop myself thinking about the situation I was in, there was no thought about how I got there and looking back I didn't even think about how I was going to get out.

That's not entirely true.

I have contemplated suicide many times but I was now trying to work out, research, what would be the most effective way of ending my pain.  I knew it would hurt my family but I was going to die sooner or later wasn't I; this would probably be the best for everybody.  Playing out all all the scenarios in my mind though my thoughts kept coming back to my mother Sybil.  My little brother Rob died from complications due to a very aggressive brain tumour in 2004, he was only 34, it was devastating for us all especially Mum.  I couldn't do this to Mum, even as I felt now I couldn't do this to her.  Although it was incredibly difficult I told Mum this when she visited last week, I know it must have hurt her to know how I was really feeling but I think it was the best thing to do.

This was the only thread I had, it didn't lead out, I wasn't even aware there was another way out but I couldn't take that one path available to me.  Better for me to continue to suffer than to do this to Mum; it is that slender thread that has kept me here.

I'm crying again now as I type this but, probably due to the medication, I'm able to compose myself after short breaks.

I had a good talk, and cry, with Mum yesterday; we even went for a walk in between the hail, rain and snow.  My friend Mel dropped a book off for me and I would have gone to the door if I had know it was her but I didn't.

Helen is working from home today and although she will be working in the office It's going to be good to have somebody else in the house.  I woke up early this morning so I eventually got up and made fresh crumpets for Helen's breakfast.  Although I managed to eat dinner last night I couldn't face eating this morning as the nausea is back.

I'm still trying to occupy myself with anything other than thinking.

Starting

On the 12 February 2016 I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication to help me cope.

After reading a very short and sad blog of a friend who lost her battle with mental illness in 2014 decide to let my friends on Facebook know that I was mentally ill.  Today I started this blog to track how I was feeling and reflect how I got into this situation in the hope that it will help in my recovery.

It would take too long to go into my past in one post so although it may be incoherent I will break it up into smaller bites.  For now though I just want to look back a short while.

On reflection, I have been "feeling down" for 12-18 months.  I can't say when it started and I have had low periods for many years and thought nothing of it.  The worst thing is that I didn't know I was depressed until I was told to make an appointment with the doctor.  I did look at the NHS depression self-assessment tool a couple of months ago but I felt that I must have been exaggerating my responses and ignored the outcome; or maybe I just didn't want to come to terms with the fact I was ill.

Looking back the signs were obvious, I wasn't paying much attention to my appearance, I wasn't shaving or showering very often, I frequently wore scruffy and dirty clothes and wasn't making much contact with the wider world.  Combined with Helen being away so much this put an enormous strain on our relationship.

I may not have got around to making an appointment with the doctor if I hadn't had an appointment with the practice nurse to take my blood pressure which had been elevated and needed checking again.  After taking my blood pressure the nurse asked me to make an appointment to discuss the high reading with the doctor and I mentioned that I needed to make an appointment anyway.  The nurse started talking to me about how I felt and it was at this point I started to break down, he asked me about dark thoughts at which point I could barely breathe let alone talk.  He didn't waste any time and arranged an appointment the next morning.

I can't find a word to describe how it felt seeing the doctor and coming to terms with the fact I was ill and needed medication.  Fear, failure, darkness, terror, anxiety, nausea; all this and more; there was no light or hope in that meeting.  Intellectually I knew that this was the best thing to do but the rational part of me was hiding, very quietly, in a small dark cave.

Toady the weather has been dark and stormy, with lashing winds, hail, sleet and driving rain which reflects my mood.  I didn't sleep much last night and I had a good cry after Helen left for work this morning.

Mum is coming to see me today which is something to look forward to.