Non-day

Yesterday was a non-day.

I made the fire, collected logs, fed the goats, fed and then cleaned out the rabbits.

I updated my the blog, watched a lot of TV and chatted to a few friends.

I did manage to eat a fried egg with some bread in the afternoon, a few grapes and then peas and Quorn "Beef Steak" or Fake as I call it for dinner.  I wasn't hungry and thankfully I didn't feel too nauseous, I just needed to eat as I hadn't had anything since Sunday afternoon.

I worked up the energy to have a shower and shave this morning; all too easily I had fallen back into my slump of not bothering.

I'm looking forward to having a chat with Kris today and hopefully Adam tonight.  I'm trying to focus on small close things like this because everything else is just nebulous if there at all.  If I start thinking about anything more than a day ahead I keep running through all sorts of scenarios, good and bad, which just increases my anxiety.  I don't trust my judgement any more.

SSDD

Monday was a really bad day, really bad.

I was meant to donate platelets, but I couldn't face leaving the house for the four or more hours it would take to get to Bristol and donate.

I called Mum and she dropped everything to keep me company; we had a long talk and a really good cry.  I feel so bad that I'm putting Mum though this, she doesn't deserve it.  It is comforting to have her nearby and to speak to though and just by being there she reduces my anxiety.

A lot of my problems do come from my childhood and speaking to Mum I've found out so much more about what she went through with my father and allowed me to talk about what I went through.

My father was a mean bastard who was physically and mentally abusive.  If I did something wrong as a child I would be sent to my room and would have to wait until he had finished drinking his coffee or watching a TV programme.  When he was good and ready he would come into the room and beat me with his belt. If I cried out or flinched then he would tell me to shut up and would start the beating again. I don't recall my brother or sister getting beaten, although it probably did happen, it was not something we ever talked about and I assumed that it was normal.

Drink played a big factor in my father's abusiveness and I we would often hear him shouting at Mum in the late evening and even though I don't remember hearing him hit her I'm sure he did; I'll ask Mum about it next time I see her.  Again, we never spoke about this to each other or anybody else.

Not talking has been something I have carried into my adult life, I bottle things up rather than talk about them and I'm scared of getting angry because I don't wan't to be the person my father was.  Not talking about problems means that they fester and get bigger as I get angrier and they feed on themselves.  Even stupid little things grow out of all proportion and not being able to talk about them at the beginning makes it even more difficult to talk about as time goes on.  I'm sure this is another of the cornerstones of my depression; it has certainly affected my relationships.

I got more sleep last night and I may even be up to having something to eat later on.

Despair

How quick from glimmer of hope to the despair of the void.

"Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our mother's face; from the prison of her flesh we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth.

Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father's heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone?"

This pain is too much, I can't stand it I need an easy way out.

Perception

It's amazing how my mood affects my perception.  I was still up from yesterday and things seemed slightly more positive than they did negative.  Everything seemed a little brighter and I was quite looking forward to my walk whilst Helen did a recce for the Butcombe Ultra.  The walk itself was pretty good too even though there was quite a climb to the highest point and I managed to keep a fair pace going.

Whilst I waited at the pub for Helen to arrive I started reading Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig which Mel had given to me. The large print and unbusy layout made it easy to follow and I found a lot of parallels between the author's experience of depression and my own.  I'm definitely going to pass this book on as it gives a good perspective whether you suffer from depression or care for somebody that does.

I tried ringing Mum several times today from my mobile and left messages for her.  I got quite anxious as I wasn't getting a response, I thought that she may have gone out with my sister but there was a nagging thought that something bad had happened to her.  I called again when I got home and there was still no answer so the panic rat started running around in my stomach.  I hadn't noticed that Mum had left messages on the home phone whilst I was out but thankfully she did call me back.

Anxiety is definitely one of the cornerstones of my depression.

Now we're back home Helen is having a post run snooze and I'm watching the World Track Champs in front of a log fire.

Friends

I picked Helen up from the station at eight thirty last night and we grabbed some takeaway food on the way home.  I had some chips and cooked a Quorn Steak and tomatoes to have with them. Even though Helen helped me with the chips I had quite a lot and managed to eat a lot of them. I regretted it afterwards as I felt bloated until much later the next morning.

One thing that has helped me a lot is the support of friends, some of whom I have not seen in an age, many of whom have also been through similar problems.  It has buoyed me up and made me realise I am not totally alone, it means a lot to me and I have spoken to a lot of them since the announcement of my illness on Facebook.  Yesterday I was unable to speak to Kris, A old work colleague and long time friend of mine, but we had an extended Facebook chat and I'm going to make an effort to call her soon.

Today Helen and I went to Wales to meet Rachel, Trevor and their gorgeous daughter Gracie. They are a lovely individuals, a great couple and generous enough to invite us to share some of Rachel's birthday weekend.

I was very anxious on the long drive up to mid-Wales but as soon as we arrived at the holiday cottage and were warmly greeted by the three of them and the three dogs I relaxed.  Normally I get very anxious when I do not know what the plan of events is and can't enjoy what is currently happening. We chatted, had a cup of coffee, then Helen and Rachel walked into town with one of the dogs while Trev and I drove so that we could take Gracie for a walk.  We didn't see the ducks or Lucky the dog so we went to a cafe for a cup of coffee and a chat whilst Gracie played with the toys there.  In between playing with Gracie, Trev and I had a very relaxed chat about a whole range of topics, normally I find small talk difficult and contrived but talking about small and big stuff with Trev, helped by Gracie, was effortless.

Another thing I get anxious about is food or more specifically mealtimes; my daughter Kitty introduced me to the term "hangry" which sums me up to a tee.  This lunchtime however wasn't an issue for me even though we had no fixed time to sit down.  I had soup which was delicious and easy on my stomach and I didn't feel excluded even though everybody else also had pudding.

After heading back to the cottage and a cup of tea we split forces once more as Rachel and Helen headed out to do some shopping and get Gracie off to sleep whilst Trev and I took the dogs for a walk.

All too soon however it was time for Helen and I to head home.  I think both Helen and I were more talkative on the journey home and my anxiety levels were much lower.

Normal Life?

I went to the running club with Helen last night, we didn't talk very much in the car and it's difficult to know what to talk about.  I'm trying to be as upbeat as possible but it's not always possible.  It was good to socialise and meet up with people after a long absence.  I was looking forward to some dinner but my stomach felt knotted up but I managed some dried fruits and nuts instead.

I also had time to have another long chat with my daughter as everybody was out running.  It's great talking to her and hear how she's getting on.  She's also a great listener and although it's obviously upsetting for her I think it's very helpful for both of us.  My family has never been great about talking through issues and that is something I need to address if I'm to get better. Kitty recited a Philip Larkin poem which really resonates with me although I wouldn't give up my kids for anything.

This Be The Verse - Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Helen is working in London today so I dropped her off at the train station, she flashed me a smile as she left and then I felt so alone.

I dropped the car off at the garage and walked home via the pharmacy to sort out my repeat prescription for my anti-depressants.  I had a long chat with the Emlpoyee Wellbeing Service who were very helpful although talking through things with them did bring tears to my eyes again.

I manage to eat one of yesterday's crumpets with some Marmite but I wish I hadn't as my stomach is cramping now.

The Abyss

After my diagnosis I felt worse than before,

It was as though the floodgates had been opened.  What was a dark place was in fact an abyss and I could feel the pressure squeezing me in more and more; I was overwhelmed.  I couldn't stop myself thinking about the situation I was in, there was no thought about how I got there and looking back I didn't even think about how I was going to get out.

That's not entirely true.

I have contemplated suicide many times but I was now trying to work out, research, what would be the most effective way of ending my pain.  I knew it would hurt my family but I was going to die sooner or later wasn't I; this would probably be the best for everybody.  Playing out all all the scenarios in my mind though my thoughts kept coming back to my mother Sybil.  My little brother Rob died from complications due to a very aggressive brain tumour in 2004, he was only 34, it was devastating for us all especially Mum.  I couldn't do this to Mum, even as I felt now I couldn't do this to her.  Although it was incredibly difficult I told Mum this when she visited last week, I know it must have hurt her to know how I was really feeling but I think it was the best thing to do.

This was the only thread I had, it didn't lead out, I wasn't even aware there was another way out but I couldn't take that one path available to me.  Better for me to continue to suffer than to do this to Mum; it is that slender thread that has kept me here.

I'm crying again now as I type this but, probably due to the medication, I'm able to compose myself after short breaks.

I had a good talk, and cry, with Mum yesterday; we even went for a walk in between the hail, rain and snow.  My friend Mel dropped a book off for me and I would have gone to the door if I had know it was her but I didn't.

Helen is working from home today and although she will be working in the office It's going to be good to have somebody else in the house.  I woke up early this morning so I eventually got up and made fresh crumpets for Helen's breakfast.  Although I managed to eat dinner last night I couldn't face eating this morning as the nausea is back.

I'm still trying to occupy myself with anything other than thinking.